Firstly, I want to say thank you for visiting my web site.

I regard it as an honor that you would want to know a little about me.  

I describe myself as being a middle aged European woman,

who grew up during the days of The Beatles, Bee Gees, Dire Straits. 

My parents worked hard, I went to college, graduated, married, had 2 children, divorced, a 2^nd relationship and another child. 

I was lucky; I was born and raised in, New Zealand, a beautiful country.

The first country to give women the vote,

The first country to see the sunrise of a new day. 

I had a happy childhood, I enjoyed mountaineering, and I was happy and fit.

I had a career, I was self employed, (with my own Physiotherapy Business). 

My Life CHANGED after I got married and had children.

Very Quickly I lost Jillian.

For 20 years she went into hibernation.

LOST, Swallowed up, consumed in the fires of her masculine self.

Juggling, a business (accountant, marketer, secretary, cleaner…..),

A family (mother, teacher, cook, taxi driver…),

A needy husband (lover, hostess…),

Being a sister, daughter the list goes on….

A woman who loved too much. 

Always Doing   never Being. 

3 years ago I was jolted out of my emotional roller coaster life.

My Girlfriend was diagnosed with breast cancer and died 1 year later. 

So began my journey.

It is this journey I want to share with you.

My greatest joy would be to know, that other women who

are feeling or have felt like I have will be able to use  the tools and

gain the skills that I have.  

I would like to share with you, parts of my review of the last 3 years of my life. 

I started reading my 2004Journal. Reflecting, on my journey.

I woke up; I have changed so very, very much.

I am no longer the same person.

Reading my words is like reading the words of a stranger.

My life was always in turmoil, stressed, low self esteem, overwhelmed 

I was writing down the right words in my journal, reading many self help books,

but still continuing to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.

I was doing all the right things but it wasn’t manifesting the results that I wanted.

Journal Entry, September 2004

“We start out whole, complete. Somewhere along the way, we may feel that something is wrong, missing. We aren’t the way we would like to be or think we should be. We reach a crossroads, a crisis, when we feel we may crack.  With time, great care and patience we can re examine the pieces, knowing when we are ready a solution will come. We can glue the pieces back together. The pieces are the same but we are different from when we started.”

Quote Sue Bender. 

Journal Entry; April 2005.

“True Power is when you recognize that all knowledge and

all authority is to be found within

True power is when you cease to journey outside of yourself for the answers”.

Quote Lyn Andrews 

Three weeks later I wrote in my Journal.

“I feel like I am a prisoner in my own situation; Land and Lodge to look after, cows and animals to feed. I always feel like there is something missing from my life. Is it someone to be close to, to be intimate with, is that my ego talking, I don’t know!!!.  Maybe I just need to become intimate with myself. Stop the inner dialogue that continuously haunts my mind. I have a crazy monkey mind that won’t stop. 

Why, why, why all the time. I need a constant reminder to just let it go.

Become more mindful, go into my sacred self, be a silent witness of my thoughts, acknowledge them, and release all that do not serve me.

Why do I have this hard done by feeling, be grateful love and happiness are found within”.

My problem was I had no way of accessing “My Within”, I didn’t know how. 

I have learnt To BE. To sit with my feminine shield, my Yin energy, in a counter clockwise direction, cleansing, purifying, and healing old pains, releasing old fears.

I have learnt mindfulness, to trust my intuition; my creative imagination has been rekindled.

I have received the gift of Organized Knowledge;

             The Power of the Medicine Wheel. 

I have been given the gift of Infinite Intelligence.

Meditation and Prayer.

It is during my time of being that I know I become open and receptive to Infinite Intelligence.

I have been given the gift of Being.

             To go within

My Overview.

I can look back now and see the lessons I have learnt along the way. The things I have written and read are manifesting into the life that I am more conscious of.

Every circumstance and moment of my life becomes a gift,

an opportunity to explore and discover who I am.

I have control over my thoughts.

I can abolish all negative thoughts that no longer serve me.

I have the power to bring harmony, and inner peace, through my knowledge, awareness and balance.

Mindlessness brings an inner peace, the joy of freedom to be.

First Year in the School was about me.

Sorting Me Out

Recognizing who I am;

my internal map of reality;

my fears and conditioning.

Second Year;

Change;

Change the way you look at things and the things you look at will change.

Life is a cylindrical process.

The world is made up of two things energy and matter; neither can be destroyed, but are transformed. Life is energy; it passes through various processes of transition or change, but cannot be destroyed.

Death is a mere transition.

Every failure or death brings with it the seed of an equivalent advantage or evolutional growth.

Mother Nature and all Her Glory.

Third Year;

Manifestation, Balance and Harmony.

Marriage of the Masculine and Feminine Energies.

Knowledge:  

• Understanding of My Self
• Understanding of Others.
• Understanding Laws of Nature.
• Recognition and the understanding of Happiness.

 

So with great patience, determination, imagination, persistence, integrity, knowledge, wisdom and faith my pieces are being sorted, examined and glued back into place. 

Declaration of intent.                          March  2006       

I hereby declare that over the next year, it is my intention to seek a Balanced and Harmonious life brought about by the Marriage of my Male and Female Energy Shields.

I will manifest this life in the 3 aspects that are me:

Mother,        Partner,         and      Jillian. 

“The Balance we seek is not a fixed stability but a flexible learning process that deepens our ability to sense and live in harmony with a power greater than ourselves and to bring that harmony into every aspect and moment of our lives”. 

I am reminded of the pledges I placed on my “Ladders of Light” – Goddess Doll. 

  I am here to be fully alive.

Give away my fear of conflict

Stand up for what I believe

Stand up for myself

Be true to myself 
 

I am here to feel all of my feelings

Honour one another. 

I am here to actualise my creative power, to manifest into the world.

Honour One Self.

Become who I want to be. 

I am here to give and receive love perfectly.

Forgiveness is to release oneself from the perception as a victim 

I am here to speck from the wisdom of my Christ Consciousness.

I will use loving words toward others.

To speck with Honour and Integrity.           

Believe in the divine will (order, force) Fixed Design. 

I am here to see the divine in all life.

Practice detachment, be awake, become my sacred self. 

I am here to receive the light of the Goddess in every facet of my being. 

I am reminded of a saying;

“Riches do not respond to wishes’

They respond to definite plans, backed by

Definite desire, through constant persistence.” 

      "It is for us to pray not for tasks equal to our powers, but for  
powers equal to our tasks, to go forward with a great desire  
forever beating at the door of our hearts as we travel toward our  
distant goal.   Helen Keller

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